Friday night dream

3:21pm Saturday, December 15, 2012..

i had this dream.. i was with my brother and a certain girl who i can't recognize.. we were going to a certain mall by commute.. it felt real, i can feel the wind hitting my face as we rode the jeepney, i can hear the bustling city noise.. everything felt real.. then i felt someone grabbed my hand and it was this girl i am with.. she was sitting next to me, my brother on the other side of the small jeepney.. we're not talking with each other rather, i was trying to get a glimpse of her face, her hand was familiar, even her scent.. we got out of the jeep a few minutes later and my brother said he must go and meet someone so i said take care bro and i was left with this girl holding my hand and she began to walk as i walk beside her..we just go and went to boutiques, arcades and just chat..  her voice was familiar, very familiar.. we headed for the cinema, bought two tickets for this new movie and got the afternoon screening.. so we just went to this diner to eat and kill time.. we've talked about things happened before..why those things happened.. it was a lengthy chat and now i have an idea who she was.. i was trying to make sure that my hunch was right when she suddenly pointed out the time and said that we will be late for the movie screening.. so she held my hand and we rushed to the cinema.. it was a lengthy film and we both enjoyed it.. we got out of the theater and went home..

 It was dark.. around 8pm.. we rode the van going to her place..i payed for two and we got on the van.. we didn't talk while in the van because the other passengers were asleep.. she just leaned her head on my shoulder.. and asked me why those things happened before.. i couldn't utter a word.. we just sat there in silence until we reached our destination.. we got off in a gas station, where we rode a jeepney to their place..

We got off in this street with tricycles.. the area was familiar indeed..we walked up until we reached their house.. now i know who she was... we said goodbye to each other and i kissed her forehead..waited for her to get inside the house, and waved goodbye.. minutes later i received a text message from this unknown number and said "Thanks for the wonderful time..".. my alarm goes off and i woke up...


The mall we went to was Alabang Town Center (ATC).. i remembered purchasing two tickets to this new movie... and it was the upcoming Superman film... the girl? she was the one whom i courted for almost 1 1/2 years.....

"if everything i did before made and reached something... that dream wouldn't have been a dream, it would be a reality...."

Books and the Looks

Bakit  Hindi Ka Crush Ng Crush Mo?

Ramon Bautista

One of the most entertaining books i have read (actually i don't read that often but yeah, i've read quite alot of books since highschool days). It is a compilation of questions asked by different people with love problems to Mr. Ramon Bautista on his formspring account, http://www.formspring.me/ramonbautista. 

About the author: Ramon Bautista is a self-proclaimed internet action star and next boyfriend material. He took up Film and Audio-Visual Communication in the University of the Philippines as his undergraduate course and pursued graduate studies in the same field. He is a university teacher, radio DJ, TV show host, film producer and commercial model. (Source: pg136, Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo?)

As i have said on the first part of this blog, its a compilation of different questions which varies from school problems to love problems from different individuals who idolizes Mr. RB. HHoe provides straightforward answers, suggestions and insights in a somewhat solid, sometimes in a derogatory manner but in a way that he wants to open the eyes and minds of the people who is in that situation who is afraid of the facts in front of them.

The book has ten (10) chapters all in all:

• Chapter 1 - Ayaw nya sa'yo
• Chapter 2 - Moving on techniques
• Chapter 3 - Long Distance Relationship
• Chapter 4 - Paano sasabihin kay mommy na bagsak ka
• Chapter 5 - Paano Lumandi
• Chapter 6 - No Boyfriend Since Birth
• Chapter 7 - Ba't di ka crush ng crush mo?
• Chapter 8 - Premarital Sex
• Chapter 9 - Paano ganahan magstudy
• Chapter 10 -  How to live an awesome life

There's a wide range of topics and questions in each of the chapters and you will learn things that you have not realized before and at the same time, you'll enjoy reading each and every page of this book. Its an eye opener for all teens up to older years.

* * * * * * * * * * 

Personally, I have learned so much reading this book. I've learned how to deal with the things that still bothers me, though i lack the ability to do most of it. Fun book to read actually. There is this chapter wherein he was criticized by a fellow poster that he indirectly promote discrimination and cyber bullying by the way he answers every question asked by formspring members. 

Post: I was a fan until i read your responses to your followers. I just want you to know that you "indirectly" promote discrimination and "cyber-bullying" with your responses. Please answer constructively. It won't make you less of a person.

RB: Edi i-unfan mo sarili mo

You can't stop cyber bullying. What I promote is strength of character. If they bully you, I encourage you to stand up and say "so what?! I'm enjoying my life, walang basagan ng trip." It's a mean world out there. The internet's a similar world where they weed out the emotional and mental weaklings like you. If you can;t handle it, stay out of my internet love triangle and just follow Paolo Coelho and other positivity-charged teen soul chicken soup websites. Or better yet, go offline and fund sanctuary in the comfort and safety of your parents.

And yes, right now I'm discriminating and cyber bullying you. Now give me that "so what?! I'm enjoying my life, walang basagan ng trip" attitude. It won't make you less of a person.

Source: pg113, Bakit Di Ka Crush Ng Crush Mo

He answers that way to some post, some he answers in a funny way but there are times that he's having a hard time answering and asks for help from fellow formspring members. He has a pretty positive outlook in life. 

* * * * * * * * * *

In love, problems will rise from time to time, its part of the challenge on being in a relationship with someone. But even singles fight their own problems of looking for the right one or the pwede na yan for some. Its hard, really hard. 

In a guy's perspective, we do the courting, the effort, the waiting and the sacrifice just to have the chance to hear that girl's sweet "Yes". But many of us reached the end line with a "no". Its pretty hard to accept I will vouch for that. Doing those things out of love, the effort done, sacrifices, and the waiting game for how long? weeks? months? even a year? then its just a "no"? Guys know that its part of the cycle, the taking of risks and stuff. Why do the other party let them do those things for a long time then just say no?. Then girls will complain that they can't find the right guy for them. Look at the "friendzoned" guys and you will find the right one. We won't show that its not okay for us to hear that "no" and the reasons, We won't say that we can't accept that decision. We will just go with what the other wants us to be for them, whether it will do good for us or not. Things that we did in the past for those ladies will be remembered in a series of flashbacks and its just too hard to go after that. I don't speak for all the males of the world like an Alpha Male. I am just stating the things other guys have went through and experienced (yeah, such as myself). 

Move on, its all about moving on until we are too far to see where we came from..

Easy? tell that to a guy who did everything for someone, wasted time and effort just to be with that someone. hell yeah easy.. pfft. hahaha

"There is more to life than love"

Ramon Bautista

1:02am 11/03/12 Sunday

We Were There.. Realizations

Bokura Ga Ita / We Were There

Anime, Manga

Genre: Drama, Romance, Shoujo, Slice of Life

One of the best anime ever created, Bokura Ga Ita (We Were There) is about the story of main characters, Yano Motoharu and Nanami Takahashi; their school life, how they met, their relationship, and their struggles in life. Its a must read and must watch series because we can learn some valuable lessons just by watching or reading it. An anime that has values embedded on it, values that you will think about for a certain time and finally realizing that it may happen in real life.

For me, this is the best manga / anime ever created. i can easily put myself in Yano's place, i have encountered the same problems before and when i had the chance to watch this anime, i easily understood what happened that time, and more of exactly how i think of things before. I'm not a great guy, not a bad guy either. I'm just in the middle, and i just like to keep it that way.

I have favorite quotations from that anime that i have pondered upon for a very long time and i still believe in it.

"if memories become dreams, then dreams also become illusions."

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"If I could change my past I will do it, if that will make you stop crying. I wish I could, 

but I can’t"

- this is the time where we wish that we could change our pasts to correct a mistake that we did..

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"I think it’s a lot easier to place the blame on yourself than someone else , if you blame someone else, you’ll get stubborn and say you’ll never forgive them but when you blame yourself, you can shrug it off since there’s nothing you can do about it, and you wont get angry that way either"

- one of my personal motto in life. For me, its a way to keep yourself cool and avoid conflict with others. 

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"someone once said that memories are just fractions of mind, when we remember, we fiddle these fractions around in what we think the right way. therefore, memories are creations. to remember means to dream.. and memories themselves are nothing more than mere illusions."

- you took a photo of your childhood in black and white show it to others and then you remember the color of your clothes, your toys and everything else way back that time. You are the only one who knew those things therefore creating the illusion to yourself and for others..

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For me, Memories are part of growing. We tend to create the best memories with those we consider as friends or family and at the same time we create the worst with them. Why? we're always there with them, through thick and thin, for better or for worse. We get to spend our time with them laughing and goofing around, forgetting all the problems we had and also, we spend some of the worst times with them, in some point we enter in an argument with our friends or family, we fight, we curse each other, but in the end, it will all be part of what we call memories and it will be an illusion that your friends or family will be the only ones who will live to remember those illusions.

I have made some things in the past not so long ago that i regretted the most. Pretty much like Yano Motoharu in the story, its normal that we regret something that we did in the past but its for us to leave it all behind and learn from it.

"You turn them into memories. The past holds as little reality as your dreams. Hurry and realize that already. and turn her into memories. Let go."

Lookin' way back

October 03 2012, Wednesday
9:44 PM

"khit paulitulit basahin yung letter nya sken ndi nkksawa basahin. nkktouch. nkkiyak. nkknginig. miss ko na sya. eto lng yun merun ako eh bukod sa pic nya yung naiwan skin na letter at messages na nkasave sa fone ko yun lng yung memories na matetreasure ko khit san ako mpunta. kung mgkita mn kmi sa future sna maalala nya pdin ako.gsto ko sya mkita at mgpasalamat sakanya ng personal."

just saw this one posted on a social networking site and well, felt the same..

at first i wanted to write about my opinion regarding the Cyber Crime Law but after reading that post, i felt a sudden urge to view photos of my friends way back 3 years ago.. Alot has happened since then.. but one day we could all go back to that.. Friends are Friends.. even if we all part ways, we will meet again at some point..

i don't have much to say.. i just wanna stop thinking for a moment, hanging like a program does or crashing into a fatal error at some point..


ERROR 404 - TEXT NOT FOUND
ERROR 404 - TEXT NOT FOUND
ERROR 404 - TEXT NOT FOUND
ERROR 404 - TEXT NOT FOUND
ERROR 404 - TEXT NOT FOUND
PHYSICAL MEMORY DUMPING AT 98%
.......
....
..
.

After 6 months...

Its been 6 months since my last blog entry.. i have read every one of my past blogs and one thing is for sure.. i have done so many things for someone, sacrificed and be hurt at the same time.. but that's life.. no one can predict life or anything that will happen.. you can't tell what will happen tomorrow or even the next minute.. you can't even tell if you and her (or you and him) will last or not, or if the two of you are meant to be, no...

i have experienced being "fucked up" by life.. being there and loving someone, the thoughts of that person loving you back.. but at the end, it didn't work out.. and then regret comes.. started thinking about the what ifs.. those moments in your life you spent thinking about everything you could have done brings pain along with it.. and in the end, you'll realize how fucked up you are.. but you can't do anything to change what's done..

I've wasted 6 months or more thinking about what to do with my life.. i'll admit i still adore that person.. and i hope one day when the two of us meet again somewhere in this vast world.. i will have the courage to say "Long time no see....."

For you....

March 10 2012, 3:05am, Saturday (talking to myself again and again)

hindi nanaman ako makatulog.. done with the assignment on media laws and ethics a couple of hours ago pero eto parin ako sa harap ng computer.. one month to go at ggraduate na pero ayoko munang isipin kung anong mga gagawin ko pagkagraduate..madami pa kong problema dito na gusto ko sanang maayos.....

hindi ko din alam pero ikaw lang talaga tumatakbo sa isip ko kanina pa..siguro sobra lang kitang namimiss kaya ganito.. since november hindi na tayo nag-uusap.. buti nga siguro ngayon kahit papano nakakapagusap.... 

kahit na nabasa ko na ung retreat letter mo sakin.. i'll admit na ako parin may kasalanan.. actually hindi ko na masabi talaga kung sino... nagdecide lang talaga ako na ung day na un na ung time para makita ko kung may future ba talaga.. siguro naman alam mo na un.. well kung hindi mo na maalala.. un yung time na nangharana ako sa inyo... sa una talagang okay kasi sayo ko lang ginawa un eh...pero nalungkot na din ako afterwards.. kasi mas minarapat mo pang itanong kung bakit hindi mo alam ung pinlano ko para sayo.. paulit- ulit mo pang tinanong.. the obvious reason is that it's a special plan for you.. na sayo ko lang talaga binalak gawin.. pero wala eh...... atleast nagtry ako... aaminin kong nadown na ko ng tuluyan nung night na yon pag-alis ko sainyo... 

pero ito na nga siguro ung sinasabi nila na napagod na ko.. aaminin ko naman eh.. sa haba haba man ng pasensya ko at pagpupursigi.. may limitasyon din naman...napagod din ako..eto na nga din ata yung sinasabi nilang pagod na pagod, hindi na makabangon... pinipilit ko nalang magpakaayos habang nakikita ka at anjan ka sa paligid... di bale nang di tayo makapagusap.. importante lang naman sakin na masaya ka parin...

madami pa kong gustong sabihin pero sa susunod nalang.....

It's not easy to love you, but I'm trying to take all the risks just to let you know how much I would

 sacrifice just to be with you

haven't posted all my blogs.. thinking if i should or should not.....

birthday blog

February 26, 2012  7:47pm Sunday

well, supposed to be this is my day.. and like any other days, this one is pretty normal.. just ate and ate lotsa food.. just like my normal day..

(dugo ilong, nosebleed)

ewan ko ba..parang naghihintay ako kung anong magaganap sa araw na to..

hinayaan lang ako ni kuyang mag-online buong araw dahil nagawa sya ng Gundam Origami nya...

pero wala pa ding ganap..

nakakatanga..

napagod na kong manuyo pero bakit ni hindi man lang ako mapagod sa paghihintay at pag-asa?..

siguro nga hinihintay ko nalang matapos tong semester na to para tapos na lahat..hindi dahil sa ayoko ng makita ang mga tropa kong sobrang astig pero dahil sa iba pang dahilan..

nakakapagod..

nakakapagod talaga lahat ng nangyari.. malakas ako pero wala eh..di ko kinaya.. sabi nga ng isa kong kaibigan.. pag napagod ka na.. magpahinga ka na ng tuluyan kasi wala ring saysay kung magpapakapagod ka lang ulit ng walang matatamo.. 

nakakapanghinayang..

yan ang dala ng retreat.. andami kong natutunan sa mga sessions sa loob ng conference room pero yung mga napaguusapan ng grupo namin habang break time at nasa iisang kwarto ay hindi kailanman matatapatan at matutumbasan ng kahit na ano.. yung huling conference nga na dapat e si ka-drayber ung bigyan ng payo eh parang ako na rin ata ang natauhan.. wala akong nagawa kundi makinig lang sakanila..well, andun din naman sya sa kwarto na yun at pinapanood ako maglaro ng hangman.. ayoko nalang talagang magsalita nung mga panahon na yun.. tulad nga ng sinabi nya sa isa pang SNS, retreats should be made earlier and longer, mas maganda nga siguro kung nagkaganun.. dahil sa retreat nalang din na un ko siya nakausap ng ganon katagal.. ewan ko ba..achievement ko na yun.. di ko inaasahan eh.. marami rami din akong pinanghihinayangan pero wala na kong magagawa kasi andun na yun...

dapat masaya ako ngayon kasi birthday ko.. pero hindi eh.. hindi ako naging msaya sa araw na to... gusto ko sana at pinilit ko namang maging pero wala...

happy birthday sakin....

8:02pm...

what now?

Messages

i've kept this draft of MMS in my phone for weeks now..hoping that one day i can show it to someone whom i care about so much,...

andami ko ng gustong sabihin sayo...

sana lang kasi nagkakausap tayo...

hindi yung ganito na parehas tayong nahihirapan (siguro)...

siguro nagtataka ka din kung pano ulit nangyari ang mga ito...

ayoko sabihin sayo ng harapan...

kasi gusto ko na ikaw mismo ang makarealize kung bakit...

pero dahil sa tumagal na ng ganito..

sa tingin ko hindi mo na inalam ang rason..

hinihintay ko lang naman na marealize mo sa sarili mo,..

kung importante din ba ako sayo..

kung kailangan mo pa ba ako..

at dahil sa hindi mo na inalam ang mga bagay na to...

nalaman kong hindi na rin ako ganoong kaimportante sayo..

akala mo din siguro na umayaw nalang ako bigla..

sa unang tingin parang ganun nga..

pero hindi...

"hindi ako susuko"

yan ang sabi ko sayo dati kung naaalala mo pa..

binigyan lang kita ng oras para gawin ang mga bagay na gusto mong gawin..

at hinihintay ko lang na kausapin mo ko once na okay na..

aaminin ko sayo na napagod na din ako..

siguro yun na yung pinakamatagal na kaya kong ipaghintay..

pero hanggang ngayon pinipilit at umaasa nalang ako...

sabi nga ng iba na antibay ko..

1 year is a very long time daw just waiting for you..

siguro that's my limit..

pero kahit nasa limit na eh eto parin ako..

nagmamasid..

naghihintay lang na kausapin mo ko..

dahil alam mo ba..

magiging ok din naman tayo agad kung gugustuhin mo lang..

ganun kita kamahal...

kahit ilng buwan kitang hintayin ok lang..

kung babalik ka ok na lahat..

kung hindi ok lang din..

dahil para sa akin, yung pagbibigay ko ng time sayo para gawin ung mga gusto mo..

ay isang malaking sakripisyo na..

hindi mo siguro alam kung gaano kahirap makipagsabayan sa lahat..

kaya't nagdesisyon akong bigyan ka ng oras..

nagkamali ka lang ng pagintindi ng isipin mong sumuko na ako...

yes..

you got me wrong...

but wrong or not, we're here already..

andito na tayo..

i just wanna say..

i love you..

i love you very much..

more han you'll ever know..

and i miss you..

very much..

thanks for being part of my life...

i'll just be here..

waiting for you..

to love me again...