Kausapin ang langit with feelings

faults...

still thinking about everything i did. What wrong turns i have taken along the way..i have seen opportunities but didn't took the risk to grab it.. i know I AM the problem and not her.. the way i think about things.. the way i act these past few months..it's all my fault..I just don't know what to do right now..

I don't want her to go away..i don't want her to..but i didn't entirely notice the things that i am doing are the ones making her go.. i still want to be with her..before i sleep and right after waking up, i check my phone hoping for just a single text message from her to show up in the screen..even waking up in the middle of the night just to see my phone..

 i have turned my back on her..but just days of not talking to her months ago, i found out i made the worst decision i had made in my life..i wanna talk to her already the time she stayed late in the kubo after the OJT seminar...but i think that the "torpe feeling" Franny told me had taken effect that time..and up until now..i am a fool to let that feeling rule over me and i am the fool that turned his back on someone he loves..

 i have broken a promise i have made with someone..i'm not gonna tell that person's name..as j said, i have broken a promise i have uttered to that person.. "i won't hurt her and i won't turn away"...i am the person who fulfills his promises but i did break that promise so i feel ashamed of myself until now...

i am thinking these past few weeks..i wanna go back..but will she gave me another chance for it? i know i have asked chances before and i know that it is too much to ask right now.. i just want to show my feelings for her and i won't leave her again...i'll kill this "torpe feeling" right now if needed..

i know that i have done things to hurt her.. i just want to show or just tell her how sorry i am for doing those stupid things..to show how much i care for her.. to show and let her feel how i love her so....

 "But now, every time I think of the time that I want to tell you that I want to be with you, I just can't imagine how I can be the person for you, and give you everything that you deserve." - Ninja Friend.... 

goodluck nalang.....

i wanna talk to you so bad....i just,,,i miss you so much.. but i don't know why i just can't utter a single word.......

late entry..

supposed to be napost ko na to 2days ago pero ngayon lang umayos ung net ko.....so...

11:32pm July 8, 2011 Friday

dapat nagbabasa lang ako para sa IJ bukas eh..kaso naalala ko magpost dito..nakahanda na ung last blog ko pero ayoko pa ipost..next time nalang..oh well..goodluck naman kung maipost ko yun..

nagising ako ng maaga..first thing na nag pop sa utak ko ay FRIDAY ngayon..wala akong pasok..kakain ako ng almusal at magbabasa ng IJ..yun ang mindset ko sa araw na ito..pero hindi ko nasunod..ung IJ lang ata ang natapos ko..dahil na rin siguro sa hindi ako masyado makapag-isip ng maayos..

few hours of reading IJ, i decided to go to school and make tambay..i thought i wouldn't see my mome but there she was..sitting in our kubo watching her favorite movie.. medyo gumaan yung pakiramdam ko nung nagkausap kami..mabuti nalang andun sya...

we ended the day going to KFC and eating dinner there..the comfort zone of the family..it was fun..totally fun being with my mome and eating like there's no tomorrow.. as other's would say; "drown your problems with food not alcohol"..i guess it's pretty effective for us.. i love my mome.. she's one of my best buds in school..

making that short narration above..i just did that to kill some of my time..di ko alam kung bakit ako nagsasayang ng oras lalo na't alam ko na may kailangan akong basahin na pagkahaba habang lecture..hindi ako makapagconcentrate sa ginagawa ko lalo na't marami akong iniisip.. that's how i function....

this is what i'm really trying to say here.....

majority ng mga ninja na nakapost sa homepage ko eh alam kung gaano ko sya namimiss..obvious naman eh..ewan ko lang kung observant kayo..hindi ko man maipakita na ganun nga, sa mga nakakakilala sa akin at alam kung paano ako kumilos, alam ko na napapansin din naman...parang lumalabas na umayaw na ko kasi hindi ko na sya napapansin or pinapansin..may mga nagsabi na sakin na tumigil nalang ako..na nagsasayang lang ako ng oras sa taong hindi nagpapakita ng pagpapahalaga sa ginagawa ko..pero hindi ako nakikinig sakanila..sabihin nyo ng tanga pero pasensya, sabihin na nating karamihan ng lalaki eh sumusuko agad kapag hindi man lang nagpapakita ng reaksyon ung isa..ilang beses ko bang dapat ulitin na ibahin nyo ko sa tulad nila..okay lang sakin kung wala syang reaksyon, hindi naman sa sinasabi kong hindi mahalaga ung ikikilos nung isa pero ituring nyo nalang un na booster sa inyo..ganun lang ang iniisip ko..simple lang naman ako mag-isip eh..kung wala, wala.. kung meron, meron...

paano daw magrereact kung wala nga naman akong ginagawa..tama ka..wala akong ginagawa kundi tumitig lang sa malayo, umiwas ng tingin at makiramdam..bakit di ko makausap?..i'm not persistent enough..sabihin na nating may pagka torpe pero gumugulo lang sa isip ko.."kung kakausapin ko ba sya pagbibigyan nya ko? makikinig ba sya?..gusto din ba nya ako makausap?"..kapag pumasok sa isip mo na "bakit di mo kaya subukang kausapin?", itatanong ko lang din sayo ang tanong ko sa sarili ko..hindi kayo naguusap at nagpapansinan ng 4months (matagal na din pala..)..sige goodluck sa pag-iisip mo..

ako? ayoko kasi mareject..un lang...kaya pinag-iisipan ko...i am a gambler or a risk taker pero eto? di ko alam kung bakit di ko kayang mag gamble..hindi ko alam kung gusto parin ba nya kong kausapin..or kung gusto ba nyang ihatid ko sya sakanila.. i want to alam nyo yan..pero ang tanong eh gusto ba nya?..

pasensya na kung wala akong magawa..dahil iniisip ko kung gusto din ba nya..dahil wala ring magiging silbi kung hindi niya gustong makinig sa mga sasabihin ko at mas lalong mawawalan ng silbi kung una sa lahat eh ayaw nya.......

isa kang malaking parte sa mga pangarap ko at syempre sa buhay ko..pero parang nagiging version nalang ng Parokya ni Edgar to....

kahit na nakikita nyang wala akong ginagawa...wag nya sanang isipin na sumuko na ko..hindi pa...gusto ko lang maging malaking OK ako sakanya... yung parating anjan.. laging malalapitan...kaya ko inaayos ang sarili ko...

"put your hand in your chest and say All Is Well.." - Rancho